A Break

I had always thought it strange when parents, particularly mothers needed a break from their children. In fact, I didn't just think it strange, I also thought it kind of selfish. They are, afterall, your children and need you. Isn't it unloving to not want to be around your children, even if just for a moment? I just couldn't figure out why anyone could even think such a thing.

Well, these past couple of weeks, my little fella has been sick with a cold. This means that he has been extra whiny, not sleeping well and super clingy. This meant that I have had difficulty getting anything done. And, in the end, I wanted a little break. It's hard trying to take care of a baby and a home when the baby is fussy, doesn't know what he wants and you don't know what he wants. And it is exhausting. My husband took last Friday off so that I could get some things done and I was able to take a trip to the store for a little while by myself. Then on Saturday, I was hosting a baby shower and so he took care of the baby for me for a couple of hours. By the end, he said he was ready to go back to work. I was grateful that he got a taste of what it's like to be home with a fussy, sleepy baby.

My baby is better now, though. No more runny nose and the cough is slowly getting better and less frequent. He's been in a great mood the past couple of days (unless he's tired) and he truly is such a joy and so entertaining. But, now I do understand why a mother might want/need a break from her child(ren) sometimes. And, it's okay.

On a different note, my poor baby has been having a hard time sleeping lately. This isn't really new, but he was doing pretty well- that is, until he got sick. Now bedtime is an ordeal and he's been having a hard time going to sleep. So, my husband and I have had to compromise on how to deal with this. Now that he's better, we decided to work on letting him cry it out some. So we checked on him and rocked him and patted his back and sang to him in increasing increments of five minutes. The last time, I decided that I wanted to go in (up to that point, it had been my husband). I picked up my sweet boy and he immediately pulled himself close to me and grabbed ahold of my neck and shoulder tightly. I started singing and bouncing him. Then I sat down in the rocker and quietly rocked him. He continued to cling to me as I rubbed his back and played with his hair. As we sat there, rocking back and forth, I started thinking about how my little baby won't always be my little baby. I started to wet my face with tears as I thought about how someday, I will have another little baby and that little baby will be in my lap, not this one. How, I will have to share my love with another sweet little person. I thought about how I just loved this baby sooo much and I how I never want him to get any bigger. How he fits so perfectly on my lap and in my arms and how it felt so incredibly good and peaceful rocking him in the dark of his room. How I knew that he probably felt the same. I thought about the kind of mother that I'd been, what we'd done together up to this point and wondered if I have been a good mother to him. I thought about how sometimes, I have wasted time doing other things when I could have spent more time with him and how I can't get that time back. I thought about how there's so much that I want to do with him and how at that moment, I didn't want to do anything else at all, except continue to rock him and play with his hair and rub his back.

I hope I am a good mom to him. I know there are things that I can improve on and I want to improve. This week, I resolve to be better than I was last week.

I'm grateful that he likes sitting in my lap. I love that he can feel peace and security wrapped in my arms. I'm grateful for the sweet smiles he gives me. Oh he just melts my heart. I am so grateful to be his mommy. I want to cherish these moments and remember them forever.

I love this!

What Am I Doing?

So my little fella has been having a hard time sleeping the past couple of nights. I really thought we were past this. I mean for the four nights prior, he'd been doing a fabulous time with sleeping and had been doing much better with napping during the day- but I guess those days are no more. The problem that I have- besides him not getting enough sleep- is that I am not sleeping enough. I go to bed late because I choose to stay up and play on the computer or watch tv or whatever... and then when I'm ready to go to bed, I'm in bed for a few minutes it seems and then he's up. The other night, he was up for an hour each two different times. Last night, I don't even remember how many times he got up. I don't know why I just don't go to sleep once he's finally sleeping (It took almost an hour for him to get to sleep tonight and two hours last night- with rocking, bouncing, singing, putting him in his crib, picking him back up and doing it all over again until finally, he could be placed in his crib without screaming and could quietly be patted and sung to, then just being sung to, then nothing). Anyway, he's already been up once tonight and back down and he'll probably actually be up in another 30-60 minutes... and I still haven't even gone to bed yet. Part of me doesn't want to go to bed because I know he'll be up soon, but part of me knows that I should probably strive to get all the rest I can manage. Blech!

Goals

So I have a lot of things that I want to learn how to do. When I've told people this- I've heard numerous things from, "Good luck with that" to "How will you find time to get that stuff done?" Well, as anyone who knows me knows, I appreciate a good challenge. And, if I want something bad enough then I like to figure out how I can get it. I am a big planner. I will say, I've been tired a lot. For some reason the past week or so, I've had a really hard time sleeping. However, somehow, I've been able to function just fine during the day- for the most part.

Anyway, this post isn't about that. It's about some goals/improvements that I'd like to make. I want to learn how to make cakes. I've never really made a home-made-from-scratch cake before. And, any cake that I've ever made, I've left in the pan and just frosted it in the pan. But, I want to learn how to make pretty cakes, not in the pan. So this past week, I made a layered carrot cake. I want to make a carrot cake for my baby's 1st birthday (because I feel like carrot cake must be healthier than just a white or chocolate cake, right? Right?) I want to do a "Where the Wild Things Are" theme, and so I'd love to make a circle cake- which I don't even have circle cake pans- and create a monster's head from "Where the Wild Things Are" (something like this cake).

So, I practiced and the cake tasted really delicious- at least I thought so. It wasn't the most fabulous looking cake, but I had to work with what I had. I'd really love to take some Wilton Cake Decorating classes. So I'm going to look into that this month.

 I'd also really like to work on my photography. I really like photography. I love photographing people the most. I think I'm okay- but I definitely have a lot to learn. A lot! I know next to nothing about editing.  So that's something I need to learn as well, which will take time. But this past week, I had the opportunity to take my own baby's Easter pictures and a friend asked me to take some family pictures for  her family, which was also fun and it was a great experience. I don't have a lot of practice taking indoor pictures- especially at night. I know what places in my house offer good lighting during the day- but taking pictures indoors, especially at night, is a whole other beast- one that I really need to learn to tackle and conquer. But, in preparing to take those photos and then the practice that I had taking them, I learned a lot more what my camera can do. Also, a friend asked me to take pictures of her adorable little girl today, too. It's great getting to practice with other people- besides my own little family.

Also, I want to learn how to sew. A couple of weeks ago, I made kind of a lame pillow case cover from an old sheet. But this week, I made my very own skirt. I am quite pleased with the finished product. The awesome part of this- besides the fact that it took me hours and I didn't give up- is that I did it all without a pattern. Go me! :) (It's nothing that fabulous- but it's only my second sewing project and I'm proud of myself for figuring it out.)

Anyway, it's been really great being able to work on all of these goals this past week. Yes, I still have a lot to learn, but I am working on things that I want to do for myself- and that feels good. :)

A Peek of Heaven

Sometimes, especially since being home with my baby boy, I feel like I get little glimpses of heaven. I got them before when I was working, but honestly, I think I was so stressed and overwhelmed by everything that I had to get done (work, school, take care of baby, eat, sleep, shower, laundry, clean house, etc.) that I just didn't always recognize them. I don't know if I recognize them all now, but I think I do a far better job of recognizing them now. Sometimes these peeks into heaven come in unusual places for example earlier this week, I was buckling my sweet baby into his car seat and I experienced an overwhelming love for him and had so much gratitude that I have the blessing to be his mommy. It wasn't like he said anything sweet to me- he can't say much of anything at all yet besides, "dadadadananananamama" and the like. It wasn't that he even smiled at me necessarily. It can only be explained as a glimpse of heaven. All I could think of was that "This must be what heaven's like". So much love it almost hurts and fills your soul so that you can not be sad or angry or stressed or frustrated at all in that moment. I love moments like that and I hope I continue to experience them, even in strange places like the backseat of my car.

Admission

Yesterday, I stayed in my pajamas all day long. It was just one of those days. My baby boy was pretty fussy, even though he had two naps. The night before (Sunday night), he had slept for five hours straight, which is amazing for him- even at almost 9 months. But after those five straight hours, he was up every hour. It was exhausting for both of us. After he got up the second time Sunday night/early Monday morning, the two of us just slept in the guest bed. That was easier on the whole family.

Like I said, he had two naps yesterday- a morning nap and an afternoon nap. They were induced naps, meaning, when he was clearly tired (which honestly, I think he was just tired all day), I put him in his crib, sang to him and turned on the hair dryer for a few minutes. Then I turned the hair dryer off and he continued to sleep.

Instead of taking a shower, getting dressed and combing my hair while he napped, I worked on other things- like, among other things,  cleaning the house, researching birthday party ideas for him and I completed my first ever sewing project.

I have these really ugly throw pillows that I've wanted to recover for forever. I just got a sewing machine for my birthday which was in Jan. and I haven't had a chance to sew anything yet, after a friend came over and spent some time showing me how to work the thing. But yesterday, I got out an old sheet and went to work. It took me the length of one of little man's entire naps, which now I realize is ridiculous, to sew one cover. (And this is after I had already cut the fabric).

Here's the finished product. It isn't pretty, but I'm still proud of it.

Also, I decided last week that I wanted to try something new with the wee bit. I thought I would sort of provide him with more structured activities. So I created a weeks worth of activities. The whole day isn't structured of course, but we do structured activities in the morning and then again in the afternoon and then what ever happens in between, we'll take it how it is.

Well, the first day didn't exactly go as planned. Partly because, like I'd already mentioned, he was pretty cranky all day. There was a lot of holding, cuddling, playing outside still though. And we did do a couple of the structured activities- one being music time and the other was this:


And boy did he LOVE playing with the cooked spaghetti!! That was a highly successful activity and we'll definitely be doing it again.

We went outside several times during the day and he would bang sticks and try to eat rocks. He also noticed little ants and tried catching them. It was quite adorable.

Okay, so even though I stayed in my pjs all day, we had a good, productive day at home. And, I was able to work on one of my goals for the year- learn how to sew. And, when my husband came home, I showered and later last night I made a yummy banana cake.

The Point

So what's the point to starting a new blog? Well, as I mentioned in the introduction post, I want to eventually write a book and this will be where I gather my thoughts and ideas, you know my material. There are several ideas floating around in my head (I have a mostly clear idea of how my book will go, by the way) and it will take time to get it down on paper. I also feel like I will need some more experience so that people will take me seriously. I mean, really, I've been a mom for not even nine months yet- what insight do I have to offer the world? Also, I want to figure out how to not become invisible. Do you know what I mean? I love my baby and my husband and I love that I get to stay home with my sweet boy. What a blessing it really is. But, I don't want to get so caught up that I become a pajama-wearin (all day long), frazzled, unrecognizable mama. Now don't get me wrong, there are days to stay in your pjs all day. I know it happens, but I want it to be the exception for me, not the norm. I don't want to get lost- I know, you find yourself when you lose yourself in service. I understand that principle, but I just want to make sure that I am "seen". Does this make sense? So in part, this is what this blog will be about- my journey to make sure that I am "seen" and "heard" and that I do not become invisible. Because even though I love my family, I still want to have my own identity. When I was working just a few weeks ago, I was a teacher (and just a few months before that- a student). Now I am "just a mom", at least in the world's view. But I don't want to be just a mom. I want to be and can be more than that.

Well, I'm done rambling for now.

~D.

Working Title- Introduction

I am starting a new blog- see? Here is it. The title, "Working Title" is just joke- I will change it eventually, but for now, while I am debating a title, I did not want not having a title delay me any longer from starting the blog (how's that for a jumbled run-on sentence?). This blog will be mainly about my journey to self-discovery as I learn to be a stay-at-home mother of my baby boy (and hopefully more to come sometime in the future). Eventually, I would like to write  a book- so I will come here as I gather and write down thoughts/feelings that I have. We'll see how it goes. It might take a couple of years and that's okay- I should probably have a little more experience anyway.

Please come again to share in the joys, thrills and maybe frustrations of this new journey that I've just embarked upon. Follow me and feel free to comment to offer your own suggestions to problems I may be facing, encouragement, understanding or whatever you'd like to comment on. And please be patient with me as I try to figure all of this out.

Thanks!!

P.S. I need to come up with some kind of signature... I'll be working on that, but I'm open to suggestions.