The Moral Force of Women

This is from the footnotes in Elder D. Todd Christofferson's General Conference Address from General Conference in Oct.2013. The talk is titled, The Moral Force of Women. While the whole talk is good, this footnote really stood out to me.  For the purposes of this blog and for the book that I one day hope to write (one day), this quote stands out as one that sort of epitomizes part of what I want to get across. So often, we, as woman feel like we must be selfless, and not that we shouldn't, but with that, it sometimes seems that being selfless leads to a loss of identity, which I agree, is wrong. We can be selfless and serve while still maintaining our individuality and our identity. 

It is true that many women over many generations have been exploited or saddled with unfair burdens both in family and employment, but selflessness and sacrifice need not and should not become abusive or exploitative. Elder Bruce C. Hafen observed: “If being ‘selfless’ means a woman must give up her own inner identity and personal growth, that understanding of selflessness is wrong. … But today’s liberationist model goes too far the other way, stereotyping women as excessively independent of their families. A more sensible view is that husbands and wives are interdependentwith each other. … The critics who moved mothers from dependence to independence skipped the fertile middle ground of interdependence. Those who moved mothers from selflessness to selfishness skipped the fertile middle ground of self-chosen service that contributes toward a woman’s personal growth. Because of these excesses, debates about the value of motherhood have, ironically, caused the general society to discount not only mothers but women in general” (“Motherhood and the Moral Influence of Women” [remarks to the World Congress of Families II, Geneva, Plenary Session IV, Nov. 16, 1999], http://worldcongress.org/wcf2_spkrs/wcf2_hafen.htm).

That Mom.

Last week, I was one of those moms. I was the mom who was out in public in jeans and an oversized sweatshirt (the shirt I slept in secretly hidden beneath), hair up, but messy. My children were dressed and both had shoes on, but Caleb's hair looked like a comb hadn't been through it in weeks, well, just the back actually. The front looked nicely groomed. Both children have sniffly noses and Caleb has a lingering cough from a cold he had the prior week. If you looked closely at Caleb, you could see the snot streaks across his face where he attempted to wipe his nose clean. Adelaide had blue stained lips and a blue stained chin from the lollipop that she had managed to get a hold of earlier, but that I didn't have the heart nor courage to take away from her- and it kept her quiet while Caleb slept. To top off our ragged appearance, Caleb consistently told me "No, mommy", sometimes ever so sweetly, as I consistently asked him to "put that person's cart back", "stop pushing Adelaide away from me", "Don't walk off", "Come back here", "Put that away." Adelaide eventually got tired of shopping, too. So I  carried her and my things and tried pushing the cart and tried keeping Caleb occupied so that he'd stop screaming/crying/whining/telling me "no". I'm sure I looked like one frazzled woman. I will say, that most of the time, I kept completely cool. I didn't raise my voice, but rather calmly told Caleb to sit down while he was trying to climb out of the back of the cart and completely ignoring me and singing (basically a nananana song in my face). I didn't yell or spank (I don't spank anyway). Well, except for that one time where I put my mean face on and told him that he better sit his bottom down and listen to me. It didn't work either. I felt especially embarrassed that I looked the way I did because of the way that my children were acting. When I finally couldn't stand the snot streaked face, I told Caleb I was going to wipe his face. I grabbed a wipe, told him he could have a snack if I could wipe his face, he agreed so I started wiping. What did he do? He started screaming and thrashing about in the seat of the cart. We were in line at Target at this point. I was sure that all that could see us was watching and the whole store heard. No wait, the whole store probably didn't hear him until, because of his thrashing about, he hit his head on the back of the basket and then shrieked out in pain. Yep, pretty sure the whole store heard that. By this point, I was completely mortified. Yet, I remained calm... except I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do. And the lady in front of me was watching... do I continue to wipe his face or do I console him first and risk another tantrum when I go to continue wiping his face once he calm? Would I even have time for all that before it was my turn to put my things on the conveyer belt and pay? I continued to wipe his face and tried consoling him at the same time by gently telling him that it was okay and that I was sorry that he hit his head, but that I had to wipe his face clean, while stroking the back of his knotty, disheveled head. He eventually stopped crying right as it was my turn to load my items onto the conveyer belt and pay. The cashier was young, like early twenties. He remarked on how he sees things like what he just witnessed all of the time recently, you know, with the holidays bounding around the corner. But what he doesn't know, is that my kids are too young for all of that hoopla. They don't really watch t.v. They don't beg for things in the store, down the toy aisle. In fact, Caleb is usually happy to just play for a few minutes with whatever item intrigues him and then put it away and leave it behind. I'm sure it won't be like that forever, but for now, I'm okay with that. So it's not the holidays coming that made our shopping experience what it was. It was just that I was weary, tired from not sleeping well, irritable from having to get up over and over again to console my crying babies recently and frustrated in general about other things that I will not go into here. My littles were tired and cranky because we'd already been to several stores by that point and they were just as done as I was. Then I was frustrated because I just wanted to get a few items for myself, but as is usually the case, there was no time for that. In fact, if Caleb knew how to say it, I'm pretty sure he would have said, as I started walking over to the women's clothing section, "Ma, ain't nobody got time for that!". But he didn't have to say those words, did he? He made it perfectly clear with his actions.

The point in all of this is to say that I've seen woman like what I described above, flustered, exhausted, ragged in appearance, children acting less than civilized, who couldn't or wouldn't be controlled (I'm sure I got some of those "control your child" looks- and I've probably judged, even if I didn't realize it at the time, before. And I'm sorry... because that day I was that woman and my kids were those kids.

P.S. Later that night, after my husband came home and after getting the kids fed, I went out and did a little shopping for myself, by myself. :)

Demon of Judgement

I've been thinking a lot lately about something that is kind of a demon of mine. And, though I've been thinking about it, I still haven't figured out what to do about it. Some days, this demon is ever present and others, it is hardly noticeable at all. But for some reason lately it seems to be lingering around more and more and more. This demon of which I speak, is the feeling that someone (or everyone) is constantly judging me.

I find that sometimes, I act or react in a way that I think is expected of me- rather than in a way that I would normally. Or sometimes, I do something or say something and then analyze and over analyze my actions or words. This includes actions/words both in real time and over the internet that others might see and respond to at a later time. This latter scenario may seem ridiculous because of course if I did not post anything online (either on facebook or my blog) then no one would know those things and therefore would not be able to judge me or my actions. See, I worry that some people think I am narcissistic or annoying or unintelligent or whatever other negative emotion you can think of- because I post too much (too many status updates, mostly too many photos of my children) online. Perhaps they find the things that I post about my children to be too much. Maybe I am too overbearing or my expectations are too high. Maybe I worry to much. Maybe I said something in a way that was taken in a way different from how I meant it. Sometimes, I sarcastically say something in jest and then I worry that afterwards whomever I said it to will think that I was rude or mean, when really I meant no harm at all.

Before facebook and my blog, this was still an issue of mine, but on a much smaller scale, seeing as how fewer people could peek into my life. But since I've started my blog and facebook, and since I can't help but be open about a lot of things, the demon has only gotten bigger and sometimes causes me unnecessary anxiety.  I worry what they think of me as a person, as a wife, as a mother- and with each role it only intensifies. And yet, I am the one who is putting myself out there. Seriously, girl, get a grip. Why should I worry about what other people think of me? Even this blogpost, I am writing on a blog that not many people read and that I won't put the link up to on facebook (which I oftentimes do with my other blog) because, again, I am worried about what someone might think. The other issue that makes this worse is that before my circles were much smaller and not all of them intertwined. But now, I have friends that offer so many different perspectives on a variety of subjects that I feel that what I post could potentially offend or annoy or upset at least someone or more in at least one of my circles.

Finally, I can't help but compare myself to others. And I am assuming this is not something only I struggle with- but I see glimpses of others' lives posted either on their blogs or on facebook (oh social media) and I think that they are sooo much better than I am- their lives are better, their children are smarter, they are thinner, more beautiful, more put together. They must not forget as much as I do, or they have more money than I do, or they cook better meals than I do. They are better to their husbands, they are better mothers, they are waaay more in shape. Seriously, I could go on and on and on. Sometimes, I wish I could be more like my husband. He doesn't care what other people think of him and he doesn't compare himself to others. He does his best to be a good person, a good husband and father and a good son of God and that's all. Yeah, he messes up, but he moves on and tries harder next time and doesn't perseverate on his past sins or mistakes. Me, on the other hand- I feel the need to be validated, I am constantly putting myself in situations where I feel vulnerable, I am open and honest, sometimes too honest, with myself and others and I compare.

Now don't get me wrong- this makes it sound like I am a miserable human being. Well, I'm not. I am generally happy and very grateful for the things that I have- my family, my hardworking husband, my darling and smart children, my home, my education, my friends, my church- I have so much to be grateful for and I am. But sometimes, I let myself get into these ruts. Usually they don't last long, but still they come.

So what's the solution- because it is soooo much easier to say, "Don't worry what others think of you" or "Don't compare yourself to others. You are a terrific human being." than to actually not do those things. Besides, I like sharing pictures of my family and updating my statuses about what I did that day or funny things that my husband or children did or said on facebook. I like sharing the stats of my growing children and uploading pictures and sharing parts of our lives on my blog (mostly, my blog is kind of a journal- I don't want to forget those things). Both my blog and facebook are a way for me to keep in touch with family and friends. However, perhaps I spend too much time on facebook- maybe I need to learn to limit the amount of time I spend and the things that I post- it would be less for me to compare myself to and less for me to worry about what others might be thinking. Really though, that seems like just a superficial solution- perhaps I need to dig down a little deeper.

Well, that's all I have for now. Maybe I will continue this later when I have more time or maybe I won't. For now, I'm going to go check out facebook.