I've been thinking a lot lately about something that is kind of a demon of mine. And, though I've been thinking about it, I still haven't figured out what to do about it. Some days, this demon is ever present and others, it is hardly noticeable at all. But for some reason lately it seems to be lingering around more and more and more. This demon of which I speak, is the feeling that someone (or everyone) is constantly judging me.
I find that sometimes, I act or react in a way that I think is expected of me- rather than in a way that I would normally. Or sometimes, I do something or say something and then analyze and over analyze my actions or words. This includes actions/words both in real time and over the internet that others might see and respond to at a later time. This latter scenario may seem ridiculous because of course if I did not post anything online (either on facebook or my blog) then no one would know those things and therefore would not be able to judge me or my actions. See, I worry that some people think I am narcissistic or annoying or unintelligent or whatever other negative emotion you can think of- because I post too much (too many status updates, mostly too many photos of my children) online. Perhaps they find the things that I post about my children to be too much. Maybe I am too overbearing or my expectations are too high. Maybe I worry to much. Maybe I said something in a way that was taken in a way different from how I meant it. Sometimes, I sarcastically say something in jest and then I worry that afterwards whomever I said it to will think that I was rude or mean, when really I meant no harm at all.
Before facebook and my blog, this was still an issue of mine, but on a much smaller scale, seeing as how fewer people could peek into my life. But since I've started my blog and facebook, and since I can't help but be open about a lot of things, the demon has only gotten bigger and sometimes causes me unnecessary anxiety. I worry what they think of me as a person, as a wife, as a mother- and with each role it only intensifies. And yet, I am the one who is putting myself out there. Seriously, girl, get a grip. Why should I worry about what other people think of me? Even this blogpost, I am writing on a blog that not many people read and that I won't put the link up to on facebook (which I oftentimes do with my other blog) because, again, I am worried about what someone might think. The other issue that makes this worse is that before my circles were much smaller and not all of them intertwined. But now, I have friends that offer so many different perspectives on a variety of subjects that I feel that what I post could potentially offend or annoy or upset at least someone or more in at least one of my circles.
Finally, I can't help but compare myself to others. And I am assuming this is not something only I struggle with- but I see glimpses of others' lives posted either on their blogs or on facebook (oh social media) and I think that they are sooo much better than I am- their lives are better, their children are smarter, they are thinner, more beautiful, more put together. They must not forget as much as I do, or they have more money than I do, or they cook better meals than I do. They are better to their husbands, they are better mothers, they are waaay more in shape. Seriously, I could go on and on and on. Sometimes, I wish I could be more like my husband. He doesn't care what other people think of him and he doesn't compare himself to others. He does his best to be a good person, a good husband and father and a good son of God and that's all. Yeah, he messes up, but he moves on and tries harder next time and doesn't perseverate on his past sins or mistakes. Me, on the other hand- I feel the need to be validated, I am constantly putting myself in situations where I feel vulnerable, I am open and honest, sometimes too honest, with myself and others and I compare.
Now don't get me wrong- this makes it sound like I am a miserable human being. Well, I'm not. I am generally happy and very grateful for the things that I have- my family, my hardworking husband, my darling and smart children, my home, my education, my friends, my church- I have so much to be grateful for and I am. But sometimes, I let myself get into these ruts. Usually they don't last long, but still they come.
So what's the solution- because it is soooo much easier to say, "Don't worry what others think of you" or "Don't compare yourself to others. You are a terrific human being." than to actually not do those things. Besides, I like sharing pictures of my family and updating my statuses about what I did that day or funny things that my husband or children did or said on facebook. I like sharing the stats of my growing children and uploading pictures and sharing parts of our lives on my blog (mostly, my blog is kind of a journal- I don't want to forget those things). Both my blog and facebook are a way for me to keep in touch with family and friends. However, perhaps I spend too much time on facebook- maybe I need to learn to limit the amount of time I spend and the things that I post- it would be less for me to compare myself to and less for me to worry about what others might be thinking. Really though, that seems like just a superficial solution- perhaps I need to dig down a little deeper.
Well, that's all I have for now. Maybe I will continue this later when I have more time or maybe I won't. For now, I'm going to go check out facebook.
