Well, these past couple of weeks, my little fella has been sick with a cold. This means that he has been extra whiny, not sleeping well and super clingy. This meant that I have had difficulty getting anything done. And, in the end, I wanted a little break. It's hard trying to take care of a baby and a home when the baby is fussy, doesn't know what he wants and you don't know what he wants. And it is exhausting. My husband took last Friday off so that I could get some things done and I was able to take a trip to the store for a little while by myself. Then on Saturday, I was hosting a baby shower and so he took care of the baby for me for a couple of hours. By the end, he said he was ready to go back to work. I was grateful that he got a taste of what it's like to be home with a fussy, sleepy baby.
My baby is better now, though. No more runny nose and the cough is slowly getting better and less frequent. He's been in a great mood the past couple of days (unless he's tired) and he truly is such a joy and so entertaining. But, now I do understand why a mother might want/need a break from her child(ren) sometimes. And, it's okay.
On a different note, my poor baby has been having a hard time sleeping lately. This isn't really new, but he was doing pretty well- that is, until he got sick. Now bedtime is an ordeal and he's been having a hard time going to sleep. So, my husband and I have had to compromise on how to deal with this. Now that he's better, we decided to work on letting him cry it out some. So we checked on him and rocked him and patted his back and sang to him in increasing increments of five minutes. The last time, I decided that I wanted to go in (up to that point, it had been my husband). I picked up my sweet boy and he immediately pulled himself close to me and grabbed ahold of my neck and shoulder tightly. I started singing and bouncing him. Then I sat down in the rocker and quietly rocked him. He continued to cling to me as I rubbed his back and played with his hair. As we sat there, rocking back and forth, I started thinking about how my little baby won't always be my little baby. I started to wet my face with tears as I thought about how someday, I will have another little baby and that little baby will be in my lap, not this one. How, I will have to share my love with another sweet little person. I thought about how I just loved this baby sooo much and I how I never want him to get any bigger. How he fits so perfectly on my lap and in my arms and how it felt so incredibly good and peaceful rocking him in the dark of his room. How I knew that he probably felt the same. I thought about the kind of mother that I'd been, what we'd done together up to this point and wondered if I have been a good mother to him. I thought about how sometimes, I have wasted time doing other things when I could have spent more time with him and how I can't get that time back. I thought about how there's so much that I want to do with him and how at that moment, I didn't want to do anything else at all, except continue to rock him and play with his hair and rub his back.
I hope I am a good mom to him. I know there are things that I can improve on and I want to improve. This week, I resolve to be better than I was last week.
I'm grateful that he likes sitting in my lap. I love that he can feel peace and security wrapped in my arms. I'm grateful for the sweet smiles he gives me. Oh he just melts my heart. I am so grateful to be his mommy. I want to cherish these moments and remember them forever.
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